Hey there Witzelsucht! Here is a compilation of more than 250 common (old but gold) puns. If you are new to The Internet, let me explain to you that basically a ‘pun’ is “a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words which sound alike but have different meanings”. Do know that these puns are taken from innumerous sources off The Internet and I do not claim to have written a single one of these awesome puns! Having said that, it took me quite a bit of time to collect these puns and format them properly. So, give me some credit here fellas! And, enjoy!
My girlfriend is saving herself for marriage. We do everything butt sex!
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster – but it just made it more sluggish.
If it wasn’t for physics, I’d be unstoppable.
A bear was killing moose for entertainment but in the end he wasn’t amoosed.
Enough with the cripple jokes! I just can’t stand them.
People are making end of the world jokes, like there’s no tomorrow.
Never trust an atom, they make up everything!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks, so I tried and it doesn’t.
Have you ever heard of an honest cheetah?
When I found out that my microwave wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
What do you call an alligator with a vest? Investigator.
No matter how hard you push the envelope it will still be stationery.
The tallest building in my city is the library because it has the most stories.
I’ve got a chicken-proof front lawn. It’s impeccable!
I received a message from the sun, it was enlightening.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
Why are most horses so slim? Because they are on a stable diet!
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Tennis players can never find happiness. Love means nothing to them.
People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.
I hope the purrfessor cancels class beclaws I’m just not feline up for it right meow!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization!
Tea is for mugs.
I went into a shop and said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”. The bloke said, “Kenwood?”. I said, “Where is he then?”.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie ever.
I love listening to mewsicals! Fur real, they are pawesome.
You gotta hand it to short people.
Go to Italy, Rome around and pasta time.
A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
Rest in peace boiling water, you will be mist.
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time
I gave away my dead batteries – free of charge.
I don’t trust stairs… They are always up to something…
I use to be a baby but I grew out of it.
My drug dealer cracks me up.
I can’t count how many times I failed maths at school.
You measure a Lego mini-figures foot size in square feet.
Many architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.
Lif is too short.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
The raisin wined about how he couldn’t achieve grapeness.
A blind man walked into a bar. Then a table, then a chair.
Stop with the blind jokes… I don’t see the point…
Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble!
Life as an elevator has its ups and downs.
Why do cows wear bells? because their horns don’t work!
Being dead is something everyone’s got to try at least once.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
How good are you at PowerPoint? I Excel at it.
A scarecrow with a PhD is outstanding in his field.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend, my neighbor is dead against it.
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said that only mails work here.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
My puns are not bad they are tearable.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!
The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.
A good artist knows where to draw the line.
I have to eat breakfast without toast because I’m lack-toast intolerant.
My friend told me ten puns to try to make me laugh. No pun intended.
I tripped over my girlfriend’s bra, seemed to be a booby trap.
The majority of people find bananas a peeling.
When Noah was loading the ark, where did he put the bees? In the ark-hives!
I never understood odourless chemicals, they never make scents.
I got a small ticket for speeding. It’s fine with me.
Would you like to buy a male or a female dog? “Bitch please”!
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time!
Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He’s all right now.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
They’re finally making a movie called clocks. It’s about time.
It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
I put the sexy in dyslexia!
An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I’m going to buy some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Trees are relieved when Spring comes.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.
I should have been sad when my flash light batteries died, but I was delighted.
I bet the butcher he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said the steaks were too high.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.
My room mates are concerned that I’m using their kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
If you ever feel cold just stand in a corner. They are usually around 90 degrees!
How does NASA plan its company party? They planet.
My grandma is on speed dial and now I call her Instagram.
I love marriage proposals. They’re so engaging!
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
When he proposed to her, she found it very engaging.
If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig… It’s not a beautiful poem but it’s very deep…
I wish people would stop asking me where I think I’m going to be in 5 years, I don’t have 2020 vision.
The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
Tight leather jackets are hard to pull off.
These giant squid jokes are kraken me up!
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But I’ve never met herbivore!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The bomb didn’t want to go off, so it refused.
I met a woman with twelve boobs. Sounds weird, dozentit?
I used to have a fear of hurdles… But then I got over it…
England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
So the router says to the doctor? It hurts when IP!
Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!
I hate insect puns; they really bug me.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
I was addicted to soap… I’m clean now…
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
Currently the flower business is blooming.
If you need an ark I noah guy.
If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?
You know the problem with grapes these days. People just aren’t raisin them right.
What is Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barackoli!
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well it was just collecting dust.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
Did you hear about the deaf guy who got a speeding ticket? Neither did he!
You didn’t hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
Ed has no girl friend because Sheeran away.
What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re so pointless.
Simba was moving slow, so I told him to Mufasa!
A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
For a fungus to grow you must give it as mushroom as possible.
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.
I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
What do you call bees that are fat? Obeese.
The butcher walked backwards into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I wrote a song for a tortilla. Well, it’s more of a wrap.
Velcro, what a rip-off.
Getting paid to sleep would be a dream job.
She didn’t marry the gardener. Too rough around the hedges.
I was going to grow some herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme…
I think every morning that I’m going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.
Life as a yo-yo has its ups and downs.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
I went to a seafood party last week… I pulled a mussel…
Where do boats go when they get sick. The dock!
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Why do they put fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Met this girl on a dating site and I don’t know, we just clicked.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What happens when four children lock themselves in a wardrobe? That’s narnia business…
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path!
I am so tried of auto correct jokes.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Cannibals like to meat people.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable!
Cheese. Its grate for you.
I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Organ donors put their heart into it.
What type of computer sings? A dell!
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
When two vegetarians are arguing, is it still considered beef?
Being friends with assassins is a bad idea. They’re all backstabbers.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
The case against a donut thief was full of holes.
What did the cross-eyed teacher say? I can’t control my pupils!
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
What’s a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
Don’t invest into funerals because it’s a dying industry.
I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them…
Scarecrows are always garden their patch.
People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren’t idiots. That would be stereotyping.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months!
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
Why do orphans make terrible baseball players? They don’t know where the home is!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Thanks for explaining the word ‘many’ to me, it means a lot.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? Their, they’re, there.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing it just waved.
Do hungry time-travellers ever go back four seconds?
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.
My friend really changed when she became vegetarian, it’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Why did the blonde sneak past the medicine cabinet? She didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Whiteboards are so remarkable!
I can’t stand sitting.
What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets a little wine!
Do not trust atoms… They make up everything!
What happens when a sheep, a drum and a snake fall from a cliff? BA DUM TS.
Why didn’t the crab share its toys? It was too shellfish!
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I can see myself doing!
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
When I asked my dog how his day was he said it was rough.
Ever tried eating a clock? It’s very time consuming.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandma called to see how he was a nurse said, “No change yet.”
I’m having a ruff day. Don’t terrier self up about it. There’s sure to be a pawsitive outcome!
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they’re best cellars!
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math!
My new diet consists of aircraft, however it’s a bit plane.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
What is Forest Gump’s Facebook password? “1forest1”.
I use to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me!
I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
Cuddling a cat usually leaves you feline good.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
I hate carrying my luggage around the airport, I rest my case.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
Did you hear about the kid napping? He woke up.
What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway!
A man died today when a pile of books fell on him. He only had his shelf to blame.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
You heard about drug dealers being interrogated by the police? They do crack.
It’s true I don’t like soap, but you don’t have to rub it in my face!
Don’t drink with ghosts, they can’t handle their BOOs.
I watched a documentary about beavers last night. It was the best dam show ever!
I was trying to make a pun about escaping quicksand but I’m stuck.
Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends, but what would be the point?
I’ve been thinking about learning Braille, but it’s a bit of a touchy subject.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
I don’t know the whole alphabet. I don’t know y!
I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it clicked.
Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.
Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I went to the zoo today, there was only one animal. It was a shihtzu!
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I tried wearing some tight jeans, but I couldn’t pull it off.
The duck was in rehab because he was a quackaddict.
I love the F5 key. It’s just so refreshing!
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
I’m glad i know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
Jokes with punch lines can be painfully funny.
I hope you liked this list compiled by me. Actually, I am pretty sure you did. And in that very case, you must also check out the Random Funny Puns And Jokes Generator created by me. Comment below if you’ve some more crazy, mind-blowing, sick puns. And don’t forget to share these popular puns with your friends.